Things I Have Done…
Sounds ominous right?
And it could be depending on where this blog goes…I am never really sure what is going to come out of me…
Today I woke up, the birds were singing, I mean like really belting out the songs, welcoming in the new day. And it was lovely. I opened my eyes to my meditation/yoga garden which sits right outside my bedroom. I just laid in bed looking at it, the wisteria in full bloom. This year a banner year, I mean, since I planted in 2017 it has never fully blossomed. I would get a few blossoms but that is all.
So as I woke to the day, I marveled at the beauty right outside my door. And thought to myself, “I did that.”
And it kind of hit me, all the things I have done. I never really think about them. I mean really take them in and appreciate the things I have done. Most especially the good things, kind things, wonderful things I have done. Whenever I make a list of things I have done, it is almost a list of things that I have done, that I wish I hadn’t.
But this morning, I lie in bed, watching the day break and the birds leap from branch to branch, singing their hearts out. The reedy vines bursting with verdurous green leaves and fresh purple flowers. And I thought to myself, “look what I created!” My meditation space efflorescing into being.
When I bought this house in 2016, the inside had been update (mostly) but the outside had nothing. No landscaping. Nothing but dirt really. And I changed that. The backyard is now an oasis for me. I spend a lot of time out there enjoying the fruits of my labor. Decking, an arbor, many seating areas, pool. All of the things that I see when I look out my bedroom back door are things that existed once upon a time in my head only, and now they exist for real.
And it struck me how much I focus in my life on the bad stuff that I do, wholly missing all the good things. And even when I can acknowledge the good things, I have a tendency to gloss over them and not really appreciate them. So this morning I allowed myself to wander, meander back to the day when I bought two small Wisteria plants from a woman off of Craigslist in Oak View. Two tiny plants, brought them home and dug into the hard, drought ridden earth and planted them. I remember thinking, “this will be beautiful one day!” And, as it turns out, today was the day I finally saw what I planted in both earth and mind so many years ago.
And I started crying. Just another go around with grief expressed, joy felt and a grateful heart beating. This is a thing that I have done. Just one small, seemingly insignificant thing only it wasn’t insignificant or really all that small. In 2017, I sort of made a commitment to myself to plant something that I would only later enjoy. That there would be years that I would have to be patient and wait. That I would have to remain when I felt like moving. Stay when I felt like selling. Wait when I felt like running. And this was a wholly new behavior for me. A new life, a new way of being in the world. One where, on a sunny day in 2017, I would make a pact with myself that I would plant these sprouts into a harden earth, tend to them over the years and then stick around long enough to watch them mature and grow. And then I did that. I stayed. I remained. A life long runner from here to there and then on to the next…I persisted.
And it was revealed to me that I was both the bricked earth, and the tender shoot. And the growing, tending and changing of the Wisteria was really a metaphor for my life…My own renascence, my own rebirth, right here under the Wisteria blooms.
And so staying is another thing I have done. Abiding, remaining, dwelling. I have learned to dwell. Me. I have learned to be here and allow life to take root and branch and come into full flower. I was never this person. Always very temporary in my dwelling. But here I am on a Saturday in March, 2022 watching an idea that I had five years ago explode into its full glory, and I am here to enjoy it, relish it and participate in it. My own personal frondescence…
I have dwelled in this residence, under this roof, longer than I have ever lived under one roof the whole of my life. My previous longest tenure was four and a half years beginning in 5th grade. So in over forty years, I never lived anywhere longer and 4.5 years…ever.
So today I woke up in the home that I purchased and have lovingly curated into being my sanctuary. It is also sanctuary to my children, pets, family and friends. I have become a person in this life who does things that are lasting, that have long term payoffs that I can actually stick around for and enjoy. I have become a person who can dwell, abide and do things that result in something other than immediate gratification…who knew?
There are many things I have done in this life, so very, very many…today, as I returned from sleep to consciousness, I was greeted with a grand positive thing that I have done that began with an idea, that literally took root and blossomed into the Wisteria laden present that my eyes took in as I woke. I did this. Me and God. Together. Me, a life long leaver, have become a stayer, a planter of roots…someone who can actually stay still long enough for long term pleasure to not only be an idea, but a fruition. And I so I add this to the long list of things that I have done…and enjoy another moment gazing at Wisteria, a gift to myself that keeps on giving.