The Subtle Art of Choosing Over Liking…

I like lots of things in my life. I am very blessed to have so many choices and options. There are also a great many things I do not like: cooked broccoli, people who park themselves for 20 minutes on a machine at the gym, people who lie, slow drivers. The list of likes and dislikes is endless and variable.

Liking takes zero effort. Liking is automatic and free. Choosing, however, takes a great deal more effort and therefore is the more important choice…

You cannot choose everything you like. Not to eat, not to wear, not to have, not to love, not to date, not to live. The likes are endless but the choices not so much. Every time we say yes to one thing, person, event or option, we are saying no to a plethora of others. Liking is easy, it’s free and it runs the gamut. Choice is more difficult. It takes effort and intention and there is a certain amount of commitment and work required to sustain a choice, that is not present for something you like.

And now I will round down into the curve of why I brought this up today…there is a subtle but important difference between liking someone and choosing someone. And I think in the dating world this delicate but very important difference has gotten lost. There might be several men I like, and that is fine but a man I choose is something else altogether. We do not always choose everything we like, but we, most of the time, at least in the dating arena, we like what we choose.

Choosing requires effort past mere call and response. It is more than a passive scrolling and placating. When you like someone and you don’t choose them, you take your time to respond to them, you carefully plan out your days to prioritize the things you choose, not what you like.

Liking is free. Choosing costs you a great deal more.

You can like someone’s face, their body, their mind, their vibe, what you think they can provide you (safety, sex, caretaking, love). Liking is effortless, it just comes. You either do or you don’t.

But choosing costs a great deal more. When you choose one person, you are not choosing a whole bunch of others. Choosing is intentional. There is an element of sacrifice in making a choice. A person who likes you will text you or maybe even call sometimes, but a person who chooses you will show up. And not just when it is convenient. Effort is expended to spend time with you, to prioritize your needs and wants. Choosing requires that you show up when it is hard or inconvenient or uncomfortable. Choosing requires initiation, planning and investing. Liking requires nothing. Liking is subject to the whims of emotions, choice requires consistency and service to a higher purpose.

Like is the base level of a relationship. And you would be amazed at how many people marry people they do not really like, and so it is easy to see why there is no choice or prioritizing the relationship…if you don’t really even like the person, you will expend little to no effort.

Choice requires more. A lot more. It means consistency over time. It is a selection of you, over and over again, above others, and above your own self interest. Choice provides clarity that liking does not. When you choose someone, you are not “seeing where it goes” you are acting with intention, heart and purpose. If the person you are with isn’t claiming you, they are NOT choosing you. If you are not claiming the person you are with, you are NOT choosing them.

Likes feels good in a very fleeting kind of way. Choice lasts long after the blush and rush of immediacy falters. Anyone can get you a short lived high with a like. And that feels good, for a minute. But when someone chooses you, you get a lower level buzz all the time. Liking is prone to great ups and downs. Choice is a consistent and evolving feeling of safety. Liking is fun but very unsafe. Being chosen or choosing is fun and safe.

If you are really wondering about the difference between the two, check into your nervous system when the person is around. If you are constantly wondering what they are thinking, what is going to happen, what you mean to the person, and have this low level dis-ease, that is like.

If you feel safe, secure, valued and can trust that this other person is going to be there tomorrow, that is being chosen.

Being liked and chosen are two completely vibrationally different things. Liking is also immediate where choice takes its time. Choice is slower and longer lasting. Liking requires grooming and coaching to sustain interest. Being chosen does not. There is no beckoning required in choosing. You do not have to convince someone to choose you, but you might to get them to like you.

If you are confused about the two still, ask yourself if the person you like is moving forward with intention, like a person who is wiling to put in the effort, who is present and available to you and is making a showing of a deeper level of interest? If your answer is no, the person might like you but they are not gonna choose you. Remember liking is free and costs almost nothing. Choosing is expensive with far more reaching consequences for both parties. Liking seeks out options. Choosing underscores your inherent value in the subtle and not so subtle ways of being selected repeatedly over time.

Do you want to be liked or chosen?

You are going to have to do a little bit of work to sort this through perhaps. If you look at the effort expended though, it will tell you everything you need to know.

We know when we are liked and we know when we are chosen because they feel differently. And that feeling isn’t subtle, it is upfront and in your face. The problem is that sometimes we have lost our faith in being chosen so we settle for like, hoping one day it will grow into something that more closely resembles choice. My experience? It rarely does.

Go ahead and like whomever you want. But understand that if you really want to get to the next level, you are going to have to sacrifice and plan and choose. And that is a whole lot harder than liking. Liking is easy and requires nothing. Choosing is much harder and requires all you’ve got. Liking provides short term gain with low options for later satisfaction. Choosing takes its time but pays off over the long term.

If you want a relationship you are going to have to put in the work. See the person’s value and then work to hold their interest. And while there is nothing you can do to make someone like you, there are a great many things you can do to make someone choose you. And the most fundamental thing to getting to be chosen, is to choose yourself first. To really know your own worth…if you know it, then you will do a much better job of communicating that to others. And then you will present as a choice, not an option.