The State of “Dating”
I was talking to my therapist yesterday. As usual, we were unpacking my feelings about my life, traumas, relative state of healing and the like. It is the same shit, over and over and over, but I think, and it could be wishful thinking, that I keep making some progress. She is an excellent therapist…I am often a better avoider though. Why I pay someone to NOT talk about shit that I need to talk about that I do NOT want to talk about is beyond me…but here we are.
I was telling her how confused I was about who I am, how I show up and what types of connections are available to me in today’s post 50 dating landscape. It is so fucking complicated. Only human beings could fuck things up this badly. Everyone is out there seeking love, affection, attention and companionship and then engaging in behaviors that almost assuredly prevent us from ever getting that, like ever. (Myself included).
The apps have ruined the ability and willingness to get to know someone better. Why do any work at all when you can just replace anyone with another 30 people in like an hour? It is an endless, ever repopulating field of interest. Perfect for us avoidant who would always prefer to keep it light and breezy…
It says a lot about where we are. All of us in middle age out there dating away but to what avail? We are too old to not be jaded and we are not old enough to seem to know better. We keep attempting to connect and failing repeatedly. (Myself included).
What we came to yesterday in the session is that I am scared. I am terrified to commit to anything because there is some trauma blocking me. So I just keep repeating the same old pattern over and over again. I can only really like someone when I can see the ending in the beginning. I keep saying that I want someone who is interested and shows up, but when that man does, I run. I am the problem in this situation, again…still. Fuck me!
So the state of dating, in my opinion, is that it is all kinds of fucked up. All fucking kinds of fucked. People who are partnered and in love are risking all of that because the idea of only sleeping with one person the rest of their lives is too limiting. So they throw the whole thing into peril when they invite others into their lives and beds. Then there are the people who are so picky that they are never likely to land anyone. They have the contempt prior to investigation and that bars any real connection, forever. Then there are the serial daters and sport daters. I think I fall into this category. I am discerning but my age range is far too wide and I have a tendency to go for the shiny and new instead of finding anyone I can have depth with…and my problem is that I doubt my own ability for the depth as much as I doubt the intentions of the men I date. It is a chicken/egg thing… am I so terrified to lock in and commit because I do not believe the men are capable of that? Or am I not capable of that and then I pick the men that validate my premise? Fuck, I really don’t know…but I am gonna go with me. I am the problem because at least this way I can have hope that I can change me.
With each day that passes I find myself less and less able to believe there is any hope for that magical unicorn person that gets me and I get them and we embark on a love affair that would launch a Hemingway novel. I guess my yardstick was off because we all know that Hemingway was anything but a reliable, loving partner. But fuck if he didn’t know risk and passion!
So on this Friday I find myself clueless about how to proceed with my dating life. Do I just keep dating and see what happens? Do I quit and just say forget it? Do I continue to date and try to make micro adjustments to the way I show up? To the men I choose? It all feels daunting and overwhelming and less fun that it used to be. And this would be my main issue: I am several different people and they are all in each others’ way.
The Carefree Spirit Dater
This version of me is light and breezy and just wants to have fun. No ties that bind. No commitments. Just honest, good times and vibes. Not there for a long time, just a good time.
The CoDependent Dater
This version of me gets selected by a predator man and then engages in all kinds of self abusive behavior in some sort of misguided attempt to love someone who isn’t capable of ever loving back. The good news is the last one of this kind broke me so completely that I am pretty sure this version of me will not show up. She got her ass handed to her last time and she really does see the error of her ways. And is resolute in her commitment to not ever allow that again. But we will see…
The Aloof Seductress
She is perhaps the most difficult of them all because she does have depth and weight but she tends to wield it poorly. She eliminates those that might have potential because she is always running scared. Although, she is the last to know. The absolute last one to know. She has high standards and ideals but she wears them in a way that assures that with each new connection her belief in love and passion and commitment and companionship is dashed apart a little more every single time. She is losing faith daily and all the seducing isn’t even really all that fun anymore.
The Lover Divine
She is perhaps the most absent of all. She holds her cards close and has been waiting for literal decades to allow someone close enough to perhaps maybe secure that stable, loving attachment that changes everything. She thought she had it once but no, instead of the loving, happily ever after, the one she thought was a game changer, turned out to be the worst betrayer of all. It took her two plus years to recover from him and now she lives in equal fear that she will never experience that kind of connection again, and that she will. She knows she can survive it but fuck if she wants to.
If it seems like I am all fucked up here, then I have done a good job of outlining why. I do not know what men want anymore than I know what I do. And that being said, I do know what I want but am not sure there is a man that I have met so far that is capable or willing to match capacities with me. And after a lifetime of attempting to make a mismatched capacity struggle resolve, I know better now. When you show me you lack capacity, I believe you and just keep moving.
Some days dating is fun and exciting. Some days it feels like the biggest exercise in futility. Some days I just wake up and feel like it is all pointless and stale and so disheartening I just want to hide in my house forever.
So I guess the state of dating, at least in my little corner of the world, is that I feel very lost. Unable to snap my fingers and move the needle one way or the other. Instead feeling like I am working to move the number on the dial but it is taking a very long time. And then there is the whole clock issue where I know with each passing day that my window for connection, life and living and everything in between gets narrower all the damn time. Do I just give up now and accept my fate as a crazy cat lady or do keep trying? Believe me when I tell you the struggle is real.
I guess the upside, and I always really do try to end these rants on a upside, is that I am still here working at it. Taking my dysfunction to a qualified therapist and unpacking my shit. I am here doing the work, again, still. I’m tired today of all the work in progress but I also know that this is my work to do. And despite all the feeling of setback and underwhelm, I can still see progress if only on my side of the street. Perhaps someday there will be another to bridge the existential divide.
The state of dating is a variable landscape but I am seeing there are the same stop overs that just keep appearing, mine for the taking should I be so inclined…I am just faltering on the whole subject of what and why I am so inclined…
And to wrap up, it is Friday, the kick off to a weekend of possible connections and dates and all that jazz. And I would be lying if I didn’t admit I was already tired. Perhaps I never get what I want because I am all too willing to keep accepting that which is immediately available? I know, but fuck if I know how to do this differently. It would be helpful if I looked around and saw other people deploying more effective strategies…but I don’t. No matter what the methodology I see employed by any of us, no one seems to be able to connect up and have it be lasting endeavor.
Again…still.
I know, what the actual fuck. I say it to myself a million times a day, yet, here we are. Equal parts problem and solution while still be clueless a great deal of the time as to which part we are currently emitting.
