I saw this on Instagram sometime ago and I saved it, mostly because at the time I saw it, it served as confirmation to me that I was not completely losing my mind and that perhaps, maybe, I was evolving.
That is the thing about life, we never really know. Sometimes we are so full of ourselves that we are completely delusional. Often times, even minus the delusion, it is an evolving process of discovery where more and more is revealed, and often in ways that we wish that it wasn’t.
I am writing about this today because maybe there is someone else out there going through some shit and they could use the boost that I got from reading this. A little nod from the universe that you are not going completely mad, you are evolving which often feels the same.
I have grown more in the last year than I have in a decade. And for the most part, from the outside, I am sure that it doesn’t really look all that pretty, and at times, quite concerning. Regardless, of how badly or well I have done this growth, I have evolved into a person that I like better. I have allowed my own consciousness to deepen, enlargen and expand. It has been a painful but amazing process.
I have no idea where this meme came from or if it is true. But is is valid for me. And like all things in life, something can be your becoming and ending at the same time. Both and. Not either or. I have totally lost my mind this last year, doing things that I would have never had the balls to do in years prior. And at the very same time, I have found myself and my center and the best life I have ever known so far.
And just like it is laid out here, I have spent a lot of time alone. And I did not feel in harmony with my life as it was happening. Friendships, work relationships and pretty much everything needed to change.
I did feel very strongly that I needed to make some major life changes. Moving houses was not one of them but I did engage in a lot of relational change.
So many “miracles” have happened this year. So many moments where I was sure that all was failing and then something amazing happened.
I do feel like I have stepped into a new reality. My whole world is changed and how I engage in it also. It feels like it isn’t my life. Which I haven’t felt like since I got sober many years ago. I can remember back to that time and remember thinking, “could this be my life????” I feel that daily now.
So many new opportunities, relationships and unexpected things are happening in my life. It is nothing short of a miracle and I am so very blessed.
I do feel confused and uncertain but also I have felt for a long time that I was on the cusp of something huge. And now it feels like it is beginning to unfold. It is beginning to change. It is a new reality for me and my level of awareness has expanded.
This shift in consciousness has not come without pain and sorrow and loss. It has not been an easy process. This last two years has been one of the hardest two in my life. However, great, amazing things have come to pass because of it and I am fundamentally different than I have ever been. And I am happier than I have ever been even though it isn’t all resolved or worked out. I feel supported, affirmed and loved even while so much remains unresolved.
Life is affirming for me once again that things have to fall apart to come together, it is a constantly evolving process. And for the first time, which I think is the change in consciousness, I can see them both at the same time with an eye of appreciation for the destruction and construction. I no longer only want the rebuilding, I am ok with the falling apart too. I have the skills today to weather the pain and bathe in the glory and joy.
Have I shifted?