Returning…

That is the thing about going, there is usually a returning that accompanies it. I went and now I have returned. And in this outward expanding process followed by the inward gathering, that for me, always seems to accompany it, I am changed.

At first the change always seems incremental. I can see that I am shifting, altering, moving, shapeshifting while I am unfurled outward. I am aware of my ongoing alterations. I can feel it as it is happening but I am unaware of the impact until I get home. It is like the full revelation must wait until I land safely back within the confines of my life as it usually operates. The contrast of who I was before I left, and the woman that returns needs the actual physical presence in order to complete the cycle.

And like so many processes in life, this one too always appears to land you back where you started. And often times, I have felt and even believed that this full circle living was rote, repetitive and somewhat boring. I mean, what is the point of going if you shall always return to where you started??

And I think if that is what life and experience really did, there would really be no point in much at all. But I have learned that this circular going and returning is not a flat circular motion. No, it is a spiral where all of the experience accumulated is moved along the continuum of an ever reaching spiral. It just goes up and up and up. And though you seem to revisit parts of yourself, destinations and the like, you are ever expanding and evolving, always. The points around the spiral might remain the same…your traumas, your issues, your abilities, your losses, your challenges, they remained transfixed points around your spiral but as you progress around and upward, your view, your perspective on who you are, what you are, what you are capable of and what you come to understand about how you relate to the world, changes.

And for me, I seem to gather momentum around the spiral, moving around and revisiting all my old shit and issues, throwing myself out there to be altered, damaged, curtailed and reshaped. And because I put forth that effort, I am altered, damaged, curtailed, reshaped. But often, I do not recognize it until I return back to my fixed starting point where everything in my life is based…home.

It is like once I arrive back to where I began, all the stuff that happened along the way comes to fruition. I can see all the amazing things that happened to me and for me and how they forever changed me. This time, this travel altered me in a way that was very unexpected. I think, I mean we are never really sure, I released myself from the tight living grip I have been attempting to perfect for almost 55 years. I know I have spent the better part of my life trying to partner. Trying to match myself up with someone and build a life. All the while missing the actual, quite amazing life I was building. On this latest adventure that was full of a great deal of alone time, and an amazing wedding between two people who have, quite literally found their partner, I let go of needing that anymore.

I also did quite a bit of healing on the whole wanting front as well. I revisited those fixed issues around my spiral and I saw their constant and relentless interference with my satisfaction with my life. I have lived the past decade attempting to find that one person and I have done that by flinging myself into the dating world and then getting so destroyed by how hollow it all feels that I have to remove myself from the dating pool for months to recover. Only to repeat the same path again a few months later. It has been exhausting, disappointing and disheartening. In fact, every single attempt has resulted in me feeling like being alone is the only way to be.

But something happened to me on this trip. And it didn’t really have to do with dating. It had to do with me finally accepting that I am always focused on outcomes and in so doing I miss the experience all together. I want to get from point A to point Z and I am unconcerned with the details. In short, I just want what I want when I want it. And I have been willing to throw myself away repeatedly, cow myself, lop off parts that don’t fit, and wholly abandon myself in order to achieve that final victory of a love that will not die and shall walk you home.

But something happened to me in the deep woods of Canada, I just stopped needing it. There are still parts of me that want it, but I am no longer willing to do the things I used to do to get it. I decided to be unconcerned with outcomes and instead focus on the moment in which I am living and the joy I can experience right here and right now. Dating isn’t supposed to be a goal oriented process, in fact, I think that is what is ruining dating and love, this idea that there is somewhere to get to, somewhere to be.

I decided that I wanted to have fun. To be free and open and to allow myself the experience of other people. Dating and otherwise. My last relationship so all consuming and fucked up that I just grew smaller and smaller every single day until I know longer even knew who I was. Ireland helped me remember and then this trip gave me the courage to embrace the woman I am. Not the woman you might want me to be, the woman my mom would like me to be, the woman my friends think I should be, the woman my children want me to be, no instead of all of that, I get to be the woman I am. Flawed, fucked up, beautiful, edgy (I was told at the wedding that I was edgy — haha) brave, alone, having the time of her life, freed finally from the idea that there is another person that is going to make this all better. I mean, there might be, but so far, halfway through my life (if I’m lucky) and there is no person I cannot live without. And for my dating life, there is really no man that has ever really made it better, FOR ME. I have made it better for them. And sure, I benefitted in many ways from a couple of my relationships. My marriage, certainly. Lane, fuck he healed me more than I ever thought possible and he also leveled me in ways that felt unfair and broke me quite completely. And this last fucking shitshow I engaged in for two plus years, the coupe de grâce, ended this long standing cycle I have had where I love someone with all that I am while they lie to me, cheat on me, steal from me and rob me of any feeling of security I might have in this world. This last relationship is the last time I will ever engage with someone who makes me doubt my own worth. And I will never fucking ever work to prove anything to anyone ever again.

I am here. This is me. Love it or don’t. It doesn’t change me. I am this broken, fucked up, amazing, wonderful spirit who is hosted by this body, this mind and this energy. I feel like my returning this time, lands me quite literally in a place I haven’t been to since I was a little kid. Perfectly at ease with who I am in this life, how I am and all the shit that made that happen. This last trip, I discarded the idea that I need anything or anyone else added to complete me. I am good. I need nothing else at this time. I have enough. I am enough. And now this complete woman, this whole person that I am finally able to embrace is free to move about her life, open, seeking, loving and wanting without limits or ideas or inclinations. I want to enjoy my life in all its vagaries and possibilities. And given my trajectory thus far, I will likely continue to do it alone. But for the first time, in a long time, I am ok with that AND I am also willing to put myself out there in the world to date, to laugh and to love without the need to lock it all down and morph into something that so far anyway, has never ever worked out for me.

Sometimes returning is the best next step of healing. Coming back to your every day life with this new fire lit in your belly, your body, mind and soul on fire, lit from within, impervious to outside elements. A solo, brightly burning flame, stoked from within that can warm the lives of others but never be their sole source of heat. Realizing finally that we each must attend our own fires…and how brightly they burn is directly proportional to how carefully we attend them and what we feed them.

I never knew, this whole time, I just needed to return to me. I thought it was about you. And now I know, nope, not a you thing at all. So I am going to be over here brilliantly burning my fire, you are welcome to join me, but your presence hasn’t ever been required. And finally, blessedly, I get that now.