Today is going to be a short one. Have to get my mom to the hospital to get her hip replaced today. I am anxious. I do not like walking into situations where I feel like everything is beyond my control…which is why living life on life’s terms some days is really hard…as most everything is out of my control…
I am sure she is going to be fine, but I hate seeing her in pain and I do not want to think about the risks.
I am not going to think about the risks…
I know she has been in pain every day and that the pain she will experience today more productive, as she can recover from this and move forward with less pain, eventually.
I have such a hard time allowing beings I love to suffer. I kind of feel like it is my life’s work to alleviate pain from their lives, actually more like obliterate it from their lives. I know that I do not have this kind of power, and yet I try.
It is actually rather selfish of me. It pains me to see people and beings I love, in pain. Actually, it is worse than that, I hate seeing anyone or anything in pain. Newcomers at meetings, I want to bring them home and take away all their problems…and I have, more than once. My children, I have likely crippled them with too much solace from pain of their own making because I couldn’t stand watching them suffer. My pets are complete assholes far more often than is acceptable because I do not want them to be inconvenienced or made uncomfortable.
And all of this in me is a result of trauma. My own healing that needs to happen. Seems to me that people who have early traumatic things happen in their lives, seem to either harden into callousness in an effort to never be hurt or traumatized again, or they are soft and lack appropriate boundaries. In my case, I have done both, often hard when softness would be more appropriate, and soft when a little hardness would be better for all. And sometimes, I am a jumbled mess of both at the same time, resulting in a shitshow of craziness for all.
All I can do is work, and re-work through my own trauma and see how it is messing up my life currently. Today, I am showing up and walking into whatever awaits us both. She is nervous too. She is scared too. She is worried about the risks too. She is worried about the pain too. And today, that is the most important thing: her pain, her worry, her dis-ease. I am here to assist, be of service and get out of the fucking way. I am a tool to be utilized for her care and benefit. My agenda doesn’t exist today, and my trauma needs to be checked to the wayside so that I can show up and be of service to my mom.
And the only thing I know to do, is to acknowledge my traumatic controlling nature, give it a nod and a wink, see it when it shows up as complete irritation that the hospital gave me a mask that would fit a two year old and not throw a temper tantrum about it. Because really, it isn’t about the mask, the mask is a minor inconvenience, but it agitates that part of me that is on edge because I have walked into the unknown, the unknowable and I am powerless. And I have to acknowledge that the one thing I have never wanted to be in my life, is powerless. And I am reminded, again, today, that I am so powerless over everyone and everything, except the attitude I bring with me and even sometimes, I lack control over even that.
So today I pray that I can check my ego, my OCD, my controlling nature and move forward in love and service…my mom deserves the best from me and today I plan to bring it. Even if that means wearing a fucking mask all day that would be too snug on a two year old…which reminds me that I really can be an ass about pretty much anything. And that I always have a choice.
And today I know that this feeling like I want to scream and rip the mask off and yell at someone about it, is really just fear, fear that things go badly, fear that she will hurt, fear that she won’t come out the other side. And like most things in my life, the worst things that have ever happened to me, only happened inside my mind. Today, I know that I will be given strength to deal with whatever it is that comes for us today. And I can meet calamity with serenity, I can match it one for one. And I know that I can bring an attitude of gratitude to everything I do and all that I encounter and that is the best way to send the fear vibration packing. Love and service…always.