It feels kind of pervasive right now. Like a lot of us are really wrestling with this. I know so many people right now that are being faced with things that are hard to accept and are really things that they would wish to not happen. However, none of them are capable of pushing it away, they remain leveled by life’s seeming lack of care in regards to giving them what they think they want.
I, too, have come up against this particular issue lately. However, I have to say it has been the most pleasant experience with powerlessness that I have ever had. I got smacked down with the feeling, but somehow, I have risen into it and have become weirdly ok with it all. Like I am not railing against it, I am not trying to change it. Somehow, I have landed in this place where I am ok with it all. I see that I lack power so I am doing the only thing I know to do, allow for universal will to flow in. And that is oddly easier than it has ever been. So much so that it kind of makes me feel a little weird. Like, “uh oh, how are you so ok with this?” But I am. I don’t need to know answers, I don’t need to know how or if it all works out. I have absolutely no assurances that anything is ever going to work out, most especially the way I want it to work out, and I am still ok.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that I am better than ok with it! I have surrendered, again. My only job all day, every day, is to recognize that I am just this tiny life in a sea of lives and that my only job is to try to do better no matter what the circumstances. To show up and be a good person. To grow in the direction of principled and skilled living. That is all. And even feeble attempts and amazing fuck ups are good enough. What matters most is that I stop thinking that I know how this all should work out, how my life is supposed to go, how the lives of others are supposed to be. I am just supposed to be here, right now, live the best life I can and not sweat all the shit that is outside my hula hoop.
I see it so clearly now, all the grasping for outer things to make me feel better. To make me, whatever the fuck I think I need to be next. Lately, I have just been delivered to this place where I don’t need to know and I am not interested in really knowing the results. Like every day I wake up and I have no idea what the hell is going to happen…and I am ok with that…good or bad. I don’t want to know. It would really ruin the surprise and my quest to know things that aren’t meant to be known yet makes me miserable, controlling and generally un-fun to be around…
There is actually great power in admitting, accepting and embracing your powerlessness. I feel immense relief. It isn’t all up to me?? Oh thank fucking God! I feel like the pressure is off, I do not need to push anything or pull it back or cling to it tightly. I just need to move in the direction I am headed and trust that it will all work out the way it is supposed to. And upon review of my life, all those sudden shifts and turns, those bright, brilliant places where my life zigged when I was prepared only for a zag, are the places where I grew, I changed, I evolved into a better version of myself.
I was talking to a friend last night and we were discussing how somehow we have landed at the best version of ourselves. Like I don’t want to be anyone else today. I do not wish to be skinnier or younger even. Although younger is harder…I feel like instead of pining away for that which is no longer mine, I have this amazing sense of gratitude for all the things that happened to get me where I am right now. This is the best me I have ever been on every damn level. I live comfortably in my own skin, and I like who I am most of the time. I do not enter social situations inferior and stressed like I used to. Now I get to show up and just be present and see what happens. And more and more often, I just get to show up and really experience the other people. Which feels like such a gift after all those years of self centered fear making these gross comparisons between me and them where I always and forever came up short. Fuck that. Now I think of me so much less and it is so fucking nice.
Seems that what I am getting lately is that the more I embrace that I have so very little power in this life, the more I get to be free. Free to be who I am and allow you to do the same. The less control I feel I need to force over others and myself feels so liberating. I have not a clue what will happen today. And I am ok with that. I am not without power, life run on self will is evident by anyone who cares to just take a quick peak at the way I have lived my life. But I feel like confronting my powerlessness right up front, gives me the ability and reminder to align my will with universal will instead of mounting an insurrection every fucking day. Living that way was so exhausting and I think that is what comes after admitting and accepting powerlessness, peace. Freedom from self will and defiance, and freedom to just let go and let God do whatever. The struggle released, me unchained to my limited views and outcomes, and able to just live life on life’s terms and enjoy it. Even when painful or hard or anxiety provoking. Surrender to win.
Turns out my life never really began until I first admitted I was powerless. And now it appears to be a constant and unremitting reminder in daily life. Who knew? I sure as shit didn’t. But I appear to be learning that on the other side of the admission of powerlessness comes great and abiding peace of mind. Fuck, yes! Finally!