Out of Sorts…

I am out of sorts. I am kind of a mess. I am tired. My routine is grossly disturbed. I haven’t gotten over my jet lag from my last trip and I begin another one today. I have been at odds with one child and removed from the other. I am beginning a new relationship that is fraught with the perils of insecurity and the ups and downs that are associated with all new things that you treasure.

One of my very close friend’s dad passed away suddenly on Monday. I knew and loved this man. While we were not close, he was a bright shining light of love for my friend. Her best friend in many respects. He was a great man and funny as hell. He was like her, unique and very smart. He loved football and loved my friend. He was her biggest fan and most ardent supporter. She is foundering, how could she not?

Monday night brought a storm of really weird proportions. Lightning lit up the sky. Even in the Deep South, I have not seen a storm like that. The sky turned a weird color of yellow and I began to think of tornadoes…the clouds were dark and mysterious but didn’t look exactly like storm clouds. Then it rained. Giant drops leaking from the sky…It was very strange event. The thunder and lightning lasting much longer than the rain which was kind of a bummer. I learned that my yard is not rain proof and I need to do quite a bit of work to ensure that some stuff gets moved so that it doesn’t get ruined. Living in Southern California, we live outside a great deal because the weather is so, well, absent. It is usually just really nice outside and you can leave delicate things exposed….well most of the time.

My daughter who I normally get along with has been at odds with me about her phone and providing me access to it. I caught her in a lie and told her that I needed to see her phone. That precipitated a more than week long strike by her. Phonegate came to an end last night but it was ugly and damaging to both of us. I do not like leaving today after the meltdown she had last night. I am feeling very insecure about our relationship…

I haven’t written in a few days and that makes me feel even more lost. Somehow the daily writing, the tether to sanity.

I am headed to go see my son which I am really, really excited about. I can’t wait to see him but I am also somewhat afraid because I have never met this version of my son. We will be new to each other and while I am super excited about that, I am not sure what will happen or how it will go. I am excited/anxious.

Work has been crazy with too much going on and a lot of miscommunication. I feel disconnected because I took a few days off (I only worked 27 hours last week instead of 50) . I now leave for twelve days and will work remotely. But after trying to juggle poor reception and wifi last week, I am a little stressed about it. Remote work is great but traveling doesn’t always provide everything you need when you need it.

My friend that was diagnosed with cancer is beginning treatment and that is a good thing but super hard on him. I feel so powerless which is nothing compared to how he feels. I love this man and so wish there was something I could do for him. I can be there, listen, cry, support, love but I cannot do shit about cancer…and I hate that.

I feel lost again. I feel disrupted and adrift. I feel unmoored from life and feel like I am surrounded by death and unexpected things that are beyond my control. There is nothing I can do about any of the above other than what I am doing. Accepting the shit as it comes, trying to put it into some larger spiritual experience and not take any of it personally. Easier said than done. I do not feel inspired. I feel lost and upset and scared.

Not the best place to begin travel that will take me to five states in a week. But this is where I am.

I know that it is all ok in all its unokness. I am here doing life as best I can. All of the things that are happening, are happening for me and to me. I know this and I believe it. However, dealing with it all emotionally is very, very hard.

My insides feel a bit like the storm the other night. Lots of turmoil and drama, but no real damage, just the threat of it. I am sad, overwhelmed, insecure and afraid. All emotions that I would rather not feel. But here I am.

I have to go for the gratitude. It is the antidote. It is the pathway through the rocky path.

I am grateful my routine can be totally thrown off but I always seem to find my way back.

I am grateful that my daughter and I can talk and work through hard things.

I am grateful that my friend’s dad was able to give her away at her wedding a month ago.

I am grateful that the storm brought rain.

I am grateful for a job, no matter how stressful.

I am grateful for seeing my son in two days.

I am grateful for this new relationship even though I feel insecure.

I am grateful that my friend is getting treatment and knows that I love him.

I am grateful for this messy, out of whack life that I have right now and know that even though I feel uneasy now, it will pass.

I am so grateful to be alive and present and able to show up for life even when it is painful, weird, hard, exhausting and out of sorts. I do not run from this kind of shit anymore. I stay and do the work even when I want to just stay in bed and try to make it all go away. I have life skills today that help me persevere when I would rather run and hide. Out of sorts used to make me blow up my life because my solution was worse than the out of sortness…today, I don’t have to do that. I am ridiculously grateful for that.