Sometimes the only response to life is, ok…
Dad losing his mind more to dementia, ok.
Mom being scared and unsure, ok.
Not feeling well, ok.
Being powerless, ok.
Not knowing what is going to happen next, ok.
Waking up sober, ok.
It is all ok. Really. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. Even when every fiber of my body and soul thinks it should be different, it is all, really ok.
And I find immense peace in that today. Immense peace. So much so that my mind has seemingly taken a hiatus from believing that things should be different than they are. I am not plagued with suffering inducing thoughts that suggest that the current reality is or should be different. It is all just ok, really. All of it.
And ok is not resigned acceptance but a wonderful reprieve from a lifelong battle with a head that tells me all sorts of shit that isn’t true. That things should be different, or better, or worse or whatever. Life is just life, unfolding and sometimes I am gonna love it and sometimes I am going to have trouble getting out of bed…and all of that is totally, ok.
Ok was never a goal. I wanted the highs and suffered and endured the lows. I was on a quest to hit the high notes in life always and was so bitterly disappointed when it did not go my way. When I was fucked over or hurt or disappointed or letdown or mangled. Today, I just say, ok to all of that. It is just life doing what it does, cycling through over and over again. Riding high and riding low, just the natural machinations of life unfolding from one moment to the next. And I am no longer standing in the stream, defiantly demanding that life stop and change course or direction to suit my mood or whim. I am just here watching, praying and accepting it all as it comes, knowing that even when it hurts or feels like the worst thing ever, it is still my life and I am fucking blessed to have it regardless of whether or not I like it.
I am here, living, breathing, showing up and getting to do the work, the endless work of life. And I am grateful to be ok. To see that no matter what happens, it is all ok. Even when my head tells me that whatever is happening is not ok. It is really, ok. I am ok. Life is ok. And I am and always have been cared for, loved and supported. And that is way more than ok.