You know what I am talking about, the stuff that your head tells you is gospel, but in reality it isn’t. And you know that what you are seeing in your mind, is only loosely based in reality but fuck if it doesn’t feel and look real.
I was talking to someone the other day and they told me this story about an elephant that is trained when young by being tied to a chair, and when young, the baby elephant can’t move it. But soon it grows so large, that the chair is only symbolic. The elephant can go anywhere it damn well pleases but it won’t because of its experience of the past and its now habit of allowing the ties that don’t really bind, to bind.
I believe this results because of these mind mirages that we have. These places in our head that feel real, even though we are pretty sure they aren’t. They are apparitions that have the gravitas of reality, even in their most phantom form.
Lately I have a lot of this going on in my head. Things that I think that could be real, I mean it isn’t like I am thinking about leprechauns. (I know those are totally real). My head is grabbing little pieces of things and weaving them into this nice oasis of thought that makes me feel badly, and unsure, and scared, and insecure. And try as I might, I can’t stop it. It just keeps happening. I get momentary reprieves but in the end my mind seems hellbent on making sure that I am grappling with fear, doubt and insecurity.
And it isn’t all imagined. Like the elephant, I have been habituated. The fears that are pressing me now are because while they once were a mind mirage, that fucker was actually an oasis of hell and was all too real. So now I fear that happening again…and it could. No promises that it won’t. And I can accept that. Where I am having trouble is in knowing what to do about it.
I can accept that my mind creates things sometimes loosely based on fact, and other times grabs at things from actual experience and creates a storyline that is historically accurate. I am just not sure what to do with it in today’s timeline. I mean, chances are, the people are different (they are), I am different (I am), the situation is different (it is). But the feelings, fuck if they are not the same.
I know that feelings are not facts. I believe this. But in the moment, I am gripped with it and cannot seem to break free of it. And it makes me miserable. And neurotic. And afraid. And I as an afraid person, I do stupid things. Reckless things that usually result in not so great things happening for me, or you, if you happen to be in close proximity.
Why does the elephant remain tethered to the chair that does not really restrain him? Why do I remain tethered to thoughts in the same manner? I do see that I can walk away anytime, I am capable of dislodging myself from the chair. It holds me back not really even a little bit.
Am I here because of habit? Of habituation?
Am I here because even though it doesn’t feel good, it feels familiar?
Do I have the courage to just untether myself from my hitching post at the mind mirage and wander off on my own?
What I do know is that I am aware that I am tethered to ideas that really don’t serve me all that well and that I do have the ability to walk away anytime. The fact that I remain isn’t because I do not have the power, it is because I am afraid to use the power invested in me…
One of the greatest things about being awake and living your own life is that you get to decide things. And it is also one of the worse things ever. Because there is no one to blame anymore for your choices, or consequences for that matter. Living your life, requires heart and a level of acceptance about yourself that is indeed liberating. And it also lonely at times. Taking care of me is a full time job. My mental and emotional health takes work. And I am embarrassed to admit that I guess. I am not sure why…I think we are all in the same boat. Most especially if you are really trying to live your best, most authentic life. But it is hard to really deal with your own stuff, without disassociating and shutting down.
So I am tethered to the chair of my own mind mirage. And while I can see that I have the ability to walk away, the ties that hold me there, are really quite imaginary. I can see that what is holding me back, is just another manifestation of my mind. Constantly projecting stuff all over the place, designed to keep me tethered to old ideas that do not suit me anymore.
Time to change direction and call the mirage for what it is and walk in any direction I choose. Because once you see that you are as free as you want to be, there’s nothing left to do but go.