Leaving…

It is harder than I think sometimes. And I tend to think of myself as a pretty experienced leaver. I mean, my whole childhood was spent leaving one post after another. Leaving friends, locations, homes, schools, jobs, and later, loves. It was just my life. I would be there and then I would just not be.

It does something to you. All the leaving. For me, I think it made the process of leaving acceptable. Why stay when you can just leave and begin anew? I was always in favor of beginning anew. There was nothing ever I allowed to get close enough to really miss. Sure there were people, places and things that I missed in the first few months of a move but then that was quickly overtaken by the excitement and all the newness I was swimming in.

And until 2020, I always chose leaving over staying. Always. It is just what I did. In 2020, I had this idea that I wanted to move to San Francisco, and I can’t really tell you why right now, but I did. I was probably bored or feeling my oats, as they say. For reasons I cannot conjure now, I had decided I was going. My house was sold and the one in Ojai that I was going to buy fell through. I was unmoored. I was free. I could go.

Then my plane landed in Santa Barbara and I just had this one tiny, seemingly insignificant thought as the plane touched down…”it is good to be home.” And with that one thought, the whole entire process of leaving was dismantled instantaneously. I wasn’t going anywhere because I realized that I had never, ever had that feeling of home before in my entire life. Everything was always temporary but something had happened in the intervening years that made the 805 home to me.

I told the buyer too bad, so sad. And I resumed my already in progress life. Then the pandemic hit a month later. Never in my life have I been more grateful for my decision to remain than I was then. I would have been homeless and living in a major city. It would have been a shitshow. And I would have dragged my daughter along for the crazy insane ride. I continue to be grateful for that intuitive random thought to this day.

So while I had a lifetime of experience leaving, I began to learn a new skill, staying. And I have been doing a pretty damn good job it if I do say so myself. I am here, living this amazing life, in this sweet little house, close to my parents, a stable basis for my kids. Just living this life and loving it, except for those moments when the urge to leave and flee descends upon me. It happens less and less but at times, it is all I can do to remain. Usually I have to get up and go for a walk or hike. It passes but sometimes it feels as though it never will.

Speaking of leaving…

I leave two weeks from today for Australia, Bali and New Zealand. I have been wavering about going. I know, the life long leaver is now having an issue with not staying. Weird twist of fate. There are lots of reasons why…but the main reason is because I have never, ever in my entire life known what stability and peace comes from staying. So now that I know, I found it just a little challenging to make this decision to leave (temporarily — I swear I am coming back! I swear mom, I am!)

I have been stalling out on the whole planning endeavor. I have been lax at booking things. I bought my ticket there and back awhile ago but I refused to book anything else, like plane tickets, rental cars or lodging. I was stuck. I couldn’t make up my mind about the itinerary. I couldn’t decide how long I wanted to be in which place. I couldn’t decide if I even wanted to go. I was so comfortable in all the staying I have learned to do.

This trip is commemorative. 30 years ago, I embarked on another adventure…sobriety. I had no idea what I was getting myself into and no idea how or what I was doing. And this trip feels a lot like that. The destinations are foreign and differing in so many aspects from my entire life and the way I have lived it. I have never traveled below the equator. I have never gone this far away from home before. I have never done anything like this alone…except for the day I walked into the doors of recovery and my whole entire world changed.

I don’t know who I will be when I get back from this. I honor all the problems I had with finding the willingness to leave this time. I am grateful for the skill of staying I have developed over the past few years. I am grateful I have a choice in the matter. Today I am not forced into compulsive leaving or staying. I can consider my options and decide each time I am presented with this choice. Which oddly feels like freedom. I used to think leaving was freedom. Today I know freedom doesn’t come from leaving or staying. It comes from the ability to reside with and within yourself, being able to choose to stay or go. It is the ability to choose that is the freedom, not the ultimate choice…

Wow, it took me a really long time to come to this. But I am forever grateful…

Again…still.