Joe Blog #4: Solo Travel…

I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that it is the best way to travel…

And I think I know why…I have reached an age where I am comfortable with myself. Where I do not need idle chit chat, or someone to accompany me so that I feel safe. I am my own best company, really. And I have to also own that my tolerance for others, any others, which includes people I love very dearly, is rapidly evaporating.

I am not sure when this happened, actually, that isn’t true. I know exactly where and when it happened. It was Joshua Tree, 2022. I was going to visit my sponsor in Arizona and I took a few extra days to get there and stopped in Palm Springs on my way. On a complete lark, I saw the sign for Joshua Tree and just turned my car in the direction the sign told me. I had no plans to go there and I had not ever been before…I just knew, on that particular day, I needed to be there. So I went. (All totally benefits of solo travel: no one to object or complain or alter course).

My solo travel awakening came later on that day as the sun began to hang lower in the sky. I came upon a rock formation backlit by the sun. I am no poet so I lack words eloquent or descriptive enough to aptly recall the scene. Instead, I will tell you that my insides became rearranged. I reached a new level of understanding, a new presence in my own body, there before those sunlit rocks…

I thought to myself…

The then current me:

“You know, this would really be better if someone else was here with me…” (This has been an ongoing and recurrent thought throughout my life: that my life would be greater if I had someone to share it with…)

Evolving quite rapidly me:

“Ya think so? Like who?”

The then current me:

“A guy, of course!”

Evolving quite rapidly me:

“Like who? Someone from the past or that mythical, mystery man that never quite makes an appearance?”

The then current me:

“Ummmmmmm…” As I flipped through the men of my immediate and distant past, like I once spun through a Rolodex.

Evolving quite rapidly me:

“I’m waiting…”

I then ran through the real and imagined men of my lifetime and each one brought a momentary buzz, like their presence there would make this whole experience grander, but upon another ten seconds of reflection, I rapidly concluded…

The then current me:

“No, not him. Not him either. Definitely not him!”

Evolving quite rapidly me:

“Well then it would have to be the one you haven’t met yet…the one that is gonna make this whole dating debacle worth it?”

The then current me:

“Fuck, no, not even him…” My ability to conjure him up and into my consciousness growing less likely and present with each passing day.

Evolving quite rapidly me:

“Wow, really? I was expecting you to take the bait on that one, for sure!”

The then current me:

“Nope…not even him.”

The then current me & Evolving quite rapidly me at the same time:

“There is no one else on the planet I can think of that I would rather be here with than the present company I am keeping…”

And it was true, I could think of no one that I would rather be there with than myself. Not my parents, friends, children, hell, not even the dog. I was completely at peace being there all by myself. I took such pleasure in the fact that I could remain as long as I wanted, no one to hurry me, or stall me out. I was on my own terms, conditions and timetable. I was whole, complete and loving the stability, peace and equanimity I found in just my own company.

And that was kind of that. I have traveled with others since that point in time and I have traveled solo. I can tell you that I am happier, more content and peaceful solo. This is not to say that I never, ever want to travel with others again. It is just to own that my preferred method of travel is solo. Hands down/no competition. I will also own that I still hope to find someone one day that I can travel in a somewhat solo like manner with…but that is feeling less and less likely, if I am honest.

And I am prepping for a big travel next month: Australia, New Zealand and Bali. I am super stoked and similarly am so grateful to be doing it solo. I am happy to be unattached and have no entanglements to slow my progress. The trip shall unfold exactly as it is supposed to, my timetable is my own. And that feels right and safe and real.

I am grateful for the epiphany had that May day in Joshua Tree. It changed everything for me and set me on a course of solo travel that has given me some of the best times I have ever had, anywhere, ever.

As I round the corner into 30 years of sobriety, it is a great day indeed when you can find your preferred mode of travel is sans others. That going it alone doesn’t feel pathetic or wrong or hard or bad. It feels like the best thing I could do. And what a remarkable journey the last 30 years have been, and to get to memorialize it with an epic solo trip feels fitting and inspired. I walked into the program alone, crossed that threshold solo, and so I shall be thousands of miles away from where this whole recovery journey began as I move across yet another threshold. And if I want company or become lonely, I know one of the many gifts of the program is that I have friends all over the world I just haven’t met yet. So my solo travel can always be augmented with fellowship and love, from total strangers who walk this path with me. And while I may be solo on this trip, I have never walked a day alone since I began this path on March 22, 1995.

Amazing what sobriety and recovery can do to change the trajectory of my life. I have always felt alone, but it used to feel like a sentence for some crime I committed that I can’t seem to recall. And today it feels like an affirmation that I am worthy, whole and loved. Same action, very different feelings.

Solo travel removes from me all the barriers and restraints I have in today’s life. I am not all the roles I play. I am allowed to more fully inhabit this person known as Erin. While I do not lose the roles of my life, I do take a sabbatical for the trip. Allowing myself to feel more alive in my own right rather than in all the ways I am filled and fulfilled by my job as attorney, my role as mom, my role as daughter, my role as partner. Solo travel allows me to just be me for a little while. Returning, to the degree I can, to the person I was and am before I became subsumed into the roles and responsibilities of my life. Which is uniquely a female thing I believe.

Men become fathers and husbands and workers. But they do not seem to lose themselves so completely as we do in our roles as mother, wife and worker. They seem to not need to rediscover themselves every single day. A reclamation of their soul not required to be an activity of every day life.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe it is that way for men too. Maybe this is just a human condition. I don’t know, but I believe I will come to understand this and other thoughts that plague me after a few weeks circumventing the world with a little solo travel.

Again…still.

Always.