Incatpacitated…
You know, if you own a cat, you know this state of being. You are sitting somewhere, and a cat arrives on your lap, then proceeds to lay down and turn to mush. And you feel obliged to sit there for the rest of your natural life…because disturbing any being that would come and lie on you, then purr and be so sweet and trusting, engenders a desire in you to never ever disturb them so long as you live.
Given that I have many felines, I am incatpacitated often. Like every single morning. I write in bed and they visit me on some sort of rotating schedule only they are aware of…
I imagine they converse like this…
“Hey, who has mom tomorrow?” Scotch the Alien Implant Fucker
“Fuck, I never sit on her lap in the bed, that isn’t my thing, instead I wait and prefer to ambush her on the couch on the rare occasion when she sits down for like five minutes…I got that one covered on a rotation…” Finley the Fucker
“I got her, I do it every single morning, guys. I own her as she writes, I usually accommodate her so she can continue to write but sometimes, I just sit on her computer, it is so warm, either way, I am fulfilling my obligation to incatpacitate her…” Skunk the Stinker Fucker
“I like to come in at the end when I know she is going to be getting up…like just after she has pushed snooze for the tenth time, I know she will be getting up…so I like to come in just before and then lie awkwardly across her body…” Angus the Irreverent Fucker.
“I just come and sit on her whenever I want…she can’t resist me, she talks in that baby voice and I derail everything she is planning on doing…” Gatsby the babyfaced fucker
Speaking with an Irish accent, “aye, she loves me too and she can’t get enough of me, I like to follow her around and meow at her until she sits down and then I purr, quite loudly, and make myself at home…but that is how I am with all the lasses.” Seamus the Odd Fucker
“Since I reside in her office, because I fucking hate Seamus (contrary to his opinion, not ALL the lasses love him), I own her all day at work, I like to sit on her, then get down and pretend like she is a free agent…then when a Zoom work call starts, I like to jump in on her desk and cause all the papers to go flying then make myself at home on her lap. When she doesn’t pay enough attention to me, I take my paw and smack her in the face…” Minnie the Sweet, Adoring Fucker.
And this is how my life is spent. Underneath cats who are not so benevolent, in fact, some days are fucking malevolent as hell.
I am incatpacitated a lot. Arguably because I have so many fucking cats. (I am currently buried beneath two cats as I write this, two cats that do not get along, so one is on my lap and the other on my legs…). And this is literally how I start every day of my life.
I think the universe knows that I am not a good sitter stiller. I think the universe knows that I need to have external contrary action to slow me down and sit me still. And so it is using my love of cats to incapacitate me. Which is actually fine by me.
When a dog loves you, it feels right and true. But when a cat loves you, it is fucking special. I mean, dogs love everyone most of time, but cats, cats are aloof fuckers that barely notice your existence. So the fact that I have these furry balls of fluff that love to slow me down and incatpacitate me, feels pretty extraordinary. It also feels somewhat predatory if I am honest. Like I have some sort of Stockholm syndrome with them. I think I am running this whole gig, but they have meetings about me behind my back, I have seen it!
So don’t mind me, I am just over here doing less than what I could be because I am buried underneath all this cat love I have going on. And believe me when I tell you that I have never been happier being still and slowed and stationary. Turns out, when your overlord is a soft, silky, purring machine, being incatpacitated feels pretty fucking good.
Again…still, every single day of my life.
