I Am Only Doing Beginnings…
I have been good. I have been patient. I have shelved myself and waited for universal intervention. But that is a hard way to live for long. I tend to wait with an eager anticipation, a longing that grinds me down and hollows me out. It is hard waiting for something to come, that brings a certain kind of exhaustion that kills the soul. Always waiting for something to happen, for me, it wreaks havoc upon my psyche and my soul.
I am better when I am making shit happen. Sure, I get myself into things that perhaps I should not. I start things that would have been much better left unstarted. But fuck, I live. And I learn. And I love. And having had this respite of reclamation of my body, mind and soul, I feel myself ready to expand again.
I have given this whole love and sex and relationship and commitment thing a great deal of consideration. I suck at intimacy. I mean, I try like a mother fucker, but it is often too much for me and I can’t handle it. I think that I can, when in reality I can’t. I get myself so far in, but the only ones I want to stay in are the ones that will never, ever give me what I want or need. And I remain, in some very misguided attempt to sometime, somehow get it. But it is doomed from the start and I know it, which I why I picked it in the first place.
I have done a lot of soul searching. And as much as I want that person, the love, honor and commitment, I am not really sure I can do it. And I am tired of trying. I am tired of waiting. I am just fucking tired. And I am aging, my looks fading, my health vibrant at the moment and I feel the most alive I have felt since I began my last bad decision. And from my current vantage point, they all ended up being bad decisions. Some I regret more than others, only a couple, actually two that I do not regret at all. So after all my trysts, all my attempts, only two survive review and analysis. And my mom couldn’t stand one of them…
So I have reached a conclusion, well, it is conclusory in this day, subject to further review, of course. I am only doing beginnings going forward. The fun stuff. The hot sex, the mild and not so mild obsession, the fun, the laughter, the freshness of potential unspoiled. I am going to stop attempting to have anything lasting. So far, it hasn’t worked and honestly it has made me feel more dead inside than anything else I have done in my life except drink.
I am not sure what happens to beginnings that do not end. I have never really had a romantic one of those. All of mine end, often in a fiery crash with a great deal of wreckage. And I am most often the one most wrecked. I didn’t see that for a long time, I thought that perhaps, it was the other persons consumed and destroyed. But having reflected and prayed and therapied myself silly after the last debacle, I know, without a doubt that I have been the expendable currency in my own life. And I cannot do that to myself anymore. I will NOT do that to myself anymore.
I know the universe takes what it will. Your heart, your sanity, your life. But for me, I am leaving the whole ending thing to universal will and chance and removing myself from the equation. I am moving forward with good thoughts and vibes, only. I am not thinking of futures and pasts and all of that. I am only concerned moving forward with how I begin. And if history teaches me well, I am fucking fantastic at beginnings, I just really have not read the room well on the exiting. And I know I can do better.
Moving forward I am down for fun, excitement, travel and frank conversations that pave the way for beginnings only. And I see the ending in every one of my beginnings…I always have. I just have so very often refused to accept this as factual…
So as the wedding festivities begin this weekend, I shall remain staunchly committed to the here and now, and not happily ever after. It would appear that is a fate for others, not me. I am not sure why, I just feel that is true. A truth that I have avoided landing for the whole of my life. I am good at beginnings. I am good at fun and light and happy and fresh. I am not good at the machinations required to sustain interest and love and commitment over time. So I am resigning from a club that has denied my membership, and have committed to cease applying. I have never, ever belonged and I see that now and working on acceptance.
It is a peaceful place when you give up the idea of forever and you instead orient yourself to the day at hand. To all the beginnings that shall happen today and that shall similarly fall away. Upon a great deal of reflection and thought and prayer, I have arrived at a place where I will do what I am good at and stop beating my head against the wall of romance and love and commitment. I suck at all of those…unless it is the furtive and heady beginning, then I am fucking amazing.
Honest self appraisal. A sincere desire to be free and untethered. A method to allow myself the freedom I need to not feel stifled, controlled, owned. Have all arrived me here. A place where I feel the best about my life that I have ever felt. It is my life, I decide who comes and who goes. And today, I decide that I am only doing beginnings…and am allowing life to be in charge of all the endings that will come to pass.
I feel like I finally know my rightful place in all of this…
But what the fuck do I know? If I have learned anything at all, it is that I am almost always the very last one to know. Which is why, beginnings are the way to go — you aren’t accountable for what you don’t know yet, it is all just good vibes and happy days. And after that last few years of my life, I am all about some sunny days!
