Heartbreak…Again.

I am so grateful he came home last night. I was so worried that his deceptive skills got better and he hatched a plan to runaway without me even noticing. Then I thought he stole his ebike and planned on selling it. I will likely never know why he took off last night and drove to Grover Beach. I know it was not to go fishing…

It is so hard to live with someone who lies to you about everything. We are at the place where he cannot be trusted again, perhaps that is my largest delusion ever, that he was ever trustworthy at all. I was going to get money for our trip today but I didn’t because I didn’t want him to steal it from me while I slept. Funny, he didn’t come home until after 2 am and I got up at 5 am. The time would have been limited but still.

I feel like I have been living under siege…because I have been. The front lines of parenting awful, hard, heartbreaking, sad and without a great deal of hope. So fucking hard. I am at the point where I am not even sure I want to have a relationship with this person anymore. I love him, which is why I have put up with all of his shit until now, but I am wondering if that love isn’t killing us both at this point.

I swear to God I do not want to be one of those mothers who rescues her son so that he ends up living with her when he is 50. Please God, do not let that be our fate. Please give me the strength to let his life be his own to include all the hard consequences that are coming his way due to the choices he makes.

I am not sure why I have such a hard time with this particular addict. I am surrounded by addicts that do not hurt me, break my heart or wound me like he does. I guess when it is your first born, it cannot really be any other way.

He was so hateful to me yesterday and then blamed me saying that I started it. When all I tried to do was set a boundary and tell him that his conduct hurt my feelings.

I have been in a relational house cleaning for some time now. Allowing others behavior to finally be the thing I hold them accountable for, and walk away from them, the relationship and grieve whatever pain that might cause me. My son is really the last relationship I have where I am engaging with someone who takes advantage of me, is emotionally abusive and doesn’t give two shits what his conduct does to me.

I engaged yesterday in another relationship I just left and guess what happened? They fucked me over again. Seems like I never learn. So hard to take their betrayal on top of my son’s. But I got it, God. I see what I am doing allowing these fuckers in. I placed myself in a position to be hurt and guess what? They hurt me. Dumb. Stupid. Fucking again!

But I am learning. This pain is quite acute and has my full attention. I see where I am unintentionally signing up for this and I can stop. That is the best news. I see my part. And now can set about changing it. The ones who fucked me over yesterday, I am done and will not engage with them again. My son, I am going to get him to Alaska then take some time off from him and his shitshow. And regroup and see how I can engage with him going forward…if I can.

I do not want him in my home again. I do not think I can let him come here again and stay with me. It is too hard and his presence too disruptive, angry and hurtful. And I am just not going to sign up for that again…please God, help me remember that in a few months.

I think I will go visit him, but him coming home, not something that I am willing to do. We will see, I don’t have to decide right now, this is more me putting it out there for future accountability for myself…

I cannot believe how many times this kid has just leveled my heart. And he doesn’t give two fucks. He came in and woke me up last night after I finally fell asleep after being worried about what he was up and if he would arrive safely home after traveling a long way with people who I know were fucked up. I pray he never has to worry like I did last night. That he never has to think about getting a call from the highway patrol. Fearing the words, “Sorry to inform you but your son was involved in an accident…”

I lay in my bed last night, head spinning, heart breaking for hours wondering when and if the phone would ring. I finally fell asleep after hours of wrestling with my complete and utter powerlessness. I fell into a fitful sleep that was full of dreams that woke me this morning feeling drained, and unprepared for the day that waits for us today.

Please God grant me the courage to make it through this day. Grant me the serenity to see that my son is indeed a very sick person. Grant me the wisdom to know that I didn’t cause this, I can’t control it, and I cannot change it…I can only take care of myself and do my best to get him to someone who might be able to help him. No guarantees. Because as with all addicts and drunks, they have to want the help, and that is always the last thing they want. No hitting bottom until death is imminent.

And that is a devastating fact as a parent. That you cannot save the kid you gave life to or raised as your own. You cannot will them to see things differently or even to understand your perspective. Instead if feels like a death spiral to the ground, not ever being completely sure which one of you will perish first. Them or you…Praying, always praying for that ever elusive happy ending for all.

I am heading out today, hopefully he will be on that plane with me. I pray that it is so.