Exhaustion…

So it hits differently in middle age. Like when I was younger, I would plod through the next day, get some rest and be ok on the next day. So, um, that doesn’t happen anymore.

After my 32 hours of being awake in a row…I am not ok. I feel hung over even though I haven’t had a drink in almost 30 fucking years. I now have a sore throat that I don’t know whether is something or just my body’s new way of revolting. I have no energy and I think I could crawl into bed and sleep until 2035. But then when I actually get in bed, and I am asleep, I don’t really feel like I am asleep, and I wake up all night long trying to figure out where the hell I am and what is going on…

Ok, so red eye flights and Erin do not mix. Got it. Not doing this again. Someone, please remind me that I said this. Because I will forget somewhere in the future when I am older, and the consequences will be absolutely worse. So one of you, please write it down and yell at me the next time my life or travel plans have me thinking that I can actually live without at least 8 hours of sleep per night.

The struggle isn’t even real, it is a fucking shitshow, dumpster fire over here and I am thinking that perhaps I shall never rally again. I know this is not true, but in this moment, I am kinda feeling like I have created this sleepless crater in my life that I shall never recover from…

And it occurs to me that I am surprised by this…like sleep is more of a suggestion, than a requirement. I mean, I know it isn’t. We wouldn’t do it if we didn’t need it. But I think that I forget, like really, really forget that things like eating and sleeping and exercise and meditation are things that I can just skip over, like I can push them aside and somehow, neglecting these basic life building principles will not throw my life into a complete tailspin.

I mean, think of plants…no one would ever say that sunlight and/or water was not required for their growth and maintenance. However, this is how I operate in my own life, like something fundamental and basic can just be ignored or left out and I will suffer no adverse consequences…so dumb! And I am not dumb.

I feel like my most recent endeavors into ignoring basic living requirements, is akin to me suddenly deciding that somehow the laws of physics will not apply to me. Like “oh yeah, that whole gravity thing, yeah, that doesn’t apply to me today…”

And while I write that and know it is crazy, I have to own that I do act like this a great deal of the time in my life. Mostly about things that I absolutely know are required and foundational.

So here I am, on the East Coast, tired to the point of feeling sick and I have no reserve to call up from because that particular store is fucking empty, because I fail to acknowledge my own humanity, again, still.

Perhaps I will learn my lesson, but probably not. Where self care and concern are stored, I seem to have a leak! And try as I might, I am not really sure how I am going to ever plug that hole that makes me so fucking drained.

So I am working from home today (not my home, but a home) and I am going to try to get some rest and hopefully, I will be blessed with a nap, a good night’s rest and then relief from the impending illness that I feel taking over my body. I do not do certain things well: lack of sleep, being hungry, live with dirt or clutter or have a sore throat. Ask my children, they will confirm this is true.

I hope all of you are rested and not pushing yourselves too hard. I pray that someday I get over this, “I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT TO AND THERE WILL BE NO CONSEQUENCES!” thing. But if my past life is any indicator, I am a slow fucking learner and not likely to change course at this late stage. However, I will continue to make adjustments. And call myself out when I know that I am to blame. And examine why the limits I see everyone else living and working by, should somehow not apply to me…or that I can carve out an exception for me, that applies to no other living being on the planet.

Jeez, sometimes I read what I write and just eye roll myself. Today is absolutely one of those days…

Again.

Still.