Endings…

Today is my last official day of my job. I am overwhelmed with emotion. I worked so hard for so long, and now it is just done. Blessedly done. But still done.

I have dreamt of this day. This day of doneness. I have wished for it more times than I can count, yet, I am sad. Sad for many, many reasons. I do not think it an unwise decision. Just final. Unchangeable. Over.

I am left to grapple with how much I can give to something that really doesn’t need me at all. It feels oddly similar to raising teenagers. I mean they need you all the fucking time but then they just don’t. If you have poor self esteem, it is pretty harsh.

I know that endings are beginnings and I am excited about what comes next. And for me, it is a couple of months to just rest and recharge and regroup. I have been going at top speed for the last almost eight years and I need a rest. I need to retool my life. I need to rebalance myself.

I feel somewhat like an old car, whose tires have not been rotated due to constant and unrelenting use. I am out of whack, I am out of balance. And that is all my doing unfortunately. I would love to blame others, but I am the one who agreed to the terms. I am the one who was “on” all the time and felt like this was my greatest attribute. Sometimes the only thing you value about yourself is all others comes to value also.

Next week is going to be weird. No emails to answer. No calls to return. Nothing to do. Except live. I am not sure I will be able to bear it. And yet, at the same time, I crave it. I know that I need the boredom, the down time. The time to stop doing and just be. And as much as I know that is true, I also know that I am going to have a hard time with it. I am type A through and through and as much as I would like to change that, I can’t. Believe me I have tried. Oh to be mellow person. Oh to be someone content with calm, peaceful abiding. I seem to only need that when I have been hard driving for too long.

Well, I guess I got my back on that one.

Endings are painful. Endings are sad. Endings are hard. But they are periods at the end of sentences.

“I quit.”

And I did. And it feels like not enough words now. And perhaps too many also. Once they are uttered, everything changes. All is different, shifted, changed.

So now I grapple with what comes next after quitting. I learned the hard way, that there is more to quitting drinking, than quitting drinking. And I feel like I am about to find out that there is more to quitting your job, than quitting your job.

Exciting.

Terrifying.

Gut wrenching.

It is all happening. Contained, barely, within my skin. This rolling boil of feelings of loss, grief, success, sadness, joy, fear, elation, gratitude, longing, desire and anticipation.

I guess what I really want to say is that I am grateful for the opportunity, I am grateful for the chance to work with such amazing people. To do good work for great people who needed help. For being able to give help and an ear when it was needed. To not be afraid to walk the ledge with someone whose life was unraveling. To be present and just walk alongside another human going through some shit. It was a really good run. And I am humbled by the opportunity and the grace that got me this far.

It is hard to leave that which you love. It is hard to work so hard and still know that leaving is the right thing to do. It is hard to change. It is hard to leave. But is is often, the best thing one can do.

So today, I am going inward because going outward just feels like too much. I am going to be as still as I can, quiet, reflective and trust that I did my best and that hopefully that legacy can be what is left in my wake. An attitude of service. A desire to help. A love of serving others, regardless of whether or not they appreciated it or valued it or are grateful. Service isn’t about what we receive. It is about what we give. And that is what I want to remember. All that I gave. And I want that to be enough for me to rest in the memory that I gave a lot. Too much at times. But it was always with the idea, the hope that my efforts would support the efforts of others. Others who were walking, trudging even, a hard road that felt so overwhelming. I am grateful I showed up. Grateful to have served. And now the only thing left to say is goodbye.

Hasta Luego…that seems so much easier to say than goodbye. Fare thee well to all.