Blank Filling: A Coping Strategy…

I am a blank filler. Have been the whole of my life. I am not sure where I learned it, but I am sure it developed as an alternative to the scary demands of intimacy and vulnerability.

With blank filling, you just fill in any gaps other people’s behavior creates. No need to really ASK them anything about it, just review the situation internally, fill in those pesky blanks and act accordingly.

Yep, life long blank filler here.

Yesterday, I had to own and accept that I had written in some pretty large gaps all by myself, completely leaving this other person out of the loop. Like completely. It was like I was the only one in this relationship, they some sort of character actor in my drama. I need not ask them what is going on for them, I can just see the blanks, fill those fuckers in and make decisions that affect both of us. Yep, totally did that Monday. Just filled in those gaps, instead of being inquisitive or asking what this meant to the other person, just engaged auto pilot and we were off and running.

And, as probably happens more often than I would like, we ended up going in a direction I didn’t really want to go. I swear to fucking God I am the only person on the planet that writes scripts to send us all in a direction that I do NOT want to go. I mean, if I am the author, should I have better control of the destination?

But, alas, nope.

In reality, blank filling is really a coping strategy of a child, running scared. That is what blank filling is and the purpose it serves. And yesterday, I was brought up short. I mean, I SAW not only that I did it, why I did it and how counter productive it was to both people involved in this whole living thing.

It struck me how non-inquisitive I am in relationships. I don’t ask questions. I just fill in blanks all by myself and then act accordingly. I shudder to think all the shit I have truncated, ruined, destroyed and missed because I was so busy scribbling in blanks that I missed the entire plot.

I see it. And it is painful. And even as I see it and feel the burn from my own dysfunction, AGAIN, I am not sure how quickly I can and will change it. I mean, I WILL work on it. Once I see something I HAVE to do something different. I just think that this is one of those relapsing and remitting kind of character defects. And one that is going to require me to grow up and be pretty fucking brave with all my tender hearted feelings. I have spent a life time building the shell, only to find out now the shell I have been living in is too small to fit my great big life today. It is time for some new emotional accommodations.

I am not sure I will ever grow up. Have the emotional range a grown up woman should. But I am trying over here. I am still, quite often, just a little girl running scared. But I can own that and admit it and that has got to be a huge step in the direction of change and healing.

Right?

Please, God, let it be so.

Again, still.