3 am Conversations…

Erin Schaden
3 min readNov 25, 2023

I was up at 3 am again

Having conversations with you in my head

Talks that I didn’t want to have

But that part of my psyche you touch,

Even though you aren’t here

It wakes me up so often from a peaceful slumber

And I have come to rely upon the disruption

I have lost count how many times

We’ve had talks like this

They don’t really go much better than the actual ones we have

I am tired

Of all the back and forth

Come here

Go away

I can’t do it anymore

Wait, is that true?

I can, I know I can

But I don’t want to

I am exhausted by your ups and downs

Your “I love yous”

Followed always by your intense push aways

My love for you caught somewhere in the chasm you created

The friction of love given and taken away

Eroding all the possibility that once was

I am glad you are alive

I am glad you are safe

These things I want for you always

I just can’t do it with you anymore

The cost to me is just too great

I am spent on the shores of us

Sometimes barely breathing, the pain intense and life altering

I am not angry

I am not upset

I need something that you can’t provide me, or you, or maybe anyone

And I am drained from telling myself the lie that this time it will be different

It won’t.

It never is

I figure you will not understand

I will be added to the scrap heap of women who have let you down

And I guess that is fitting

Another soul come and gone

What is another casualty?

But I guess I would really like you to know that I gave you my best

I hung in, to my own detriment and to the consternation of those who love me

I kept showing up because I thought maybe one day you just might appreciate it

All my effort and love

And I will never know if you did or didn’t

I see that now

I have spent so many nights telling you how I felt while you slumbered in my bed or perhaps in someone else’s

Another thing that I will never know, just how many others there were

Life moves on and so must we

The love I have for you, true and deep

But the depths of it now threatening to drown me

So I release, let go

Swim for my own shores this time

I cannot be your friend because the way you treat me

All the back and forth

Just about does me in

Finally I realize you need space I cannot provide,

You need it from yourself

And I will not be your cause du jour

I pray for you

I have nothing but love for you

But I have also come to love myself, more deeply now

And in the great battle between me and you

I am picking me

I hope you will do the same, pick you that is

And heal that which is broken

I hope you have an amazing life

I hope you are happy

Without pain

Without suffering

I hope you find a way to stop listening to all that crap in your head that lies to you and tells you things that simply aren’t true

I hope you do that just for you

But for me

I am letting go

I am moving on

I have moved forward without you in my life

So I do that now

Walk in peace

My ardent desire and wish is that you find peace in your heart and soul

I just know, finally, that that particular peace can never be found with me

Thank you for all you taught me

I have learned so very much

About me

About love

About loss and gain

And I will never be the same

The sun rises over the desert today

Barren, with hints of light glinting off the ancient trailer in the distance

And I am renewed with faith that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

I see it in the landscape

I see it etched on my face

So I greet the new day

No more 3 am conversations

with the ghost of you

No longer haunted

Instead sleeping peacefully

Once more

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Erin Schaden

Who am I? I am all that I write, all that I learn, share and grow. Read and find out? Check out www.nakedrandomthoughts.com for more.